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The Daily Dose/May 26, 2011
By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack
Notes from around the Human Experience...
THE MORE THINGS CHANGE...: There's a really good line in a book by Fred Kaplan about Abraham Lincoln about things never really changing:
Basic human nature never changed; the collective human text demonstrated that incontrovertibly.
On Further Review: The Indians (India Indians) have a similar theory:
Everything has happened. Everything will happen.
We're Sure There's A Point Around Here Somewhere: Some recent events drove this point home:
Exhibit A: Arnold, Insert Own Sperminator Joke Here: Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child after boinking the hired help ten years ago.
And We Are Surprised Why? We made this point during the Tiger Woods mess last year: being not completely unattractive, famous and wealthy has always been a fairly certain way for a guy to get about as laid as he wants to. Women have a sixth sense for power and success, and while it would've been nice if Arnold had shown some sense and put a helmet on the soldier, it is hard to believe this was his first affair and proves the point that if you go to the depot often enough, you're eventually going to get on a train.
The Bottom Line: What consenting adults in the privacy of the guest quarters is their business. And their family's business. But not ours.
Then Why The Hell Are You Writing About It? Honestly, America would do well to stop acting so surprised when news breaks about famous men having affairs. But we do this because it comforts us when offenders grovel for our forgiveness, which we usually issue very easily, and allow them to go back to being famous.
Exhibit B: Lance Armstrong And Performance Enhancing Substances: There are fresh doping allegations against Armstrong. These were issued by a former teammate on television recently and these certainly aren't the first allegations against Lance, though he has yet to be convicted of anything, though a federal grand jury is licking its chops waiting to have at him.
And We Are Surprised Why II? Doping has been a part of the Tour de France, which Armstrong won an astounding seven (7) times, since the first one in 1903, when riders got snookered and took ether to dull their pain, and it is not reasonable to expect that Lance won seven Tours completely clean. There has simply been too much smoke for their not to have been a fire somewhere.
Get Your Official Writer's Shack Policy Right Here: Who cares, though? Professional athletes are going to do whatever they can to get a competitive edge, whether it's legal or not and rather than make criminals out of them we still think professional athletes should be allowed to put whatever they want into their body.
Exhibit C: Osama bin Laden Had A Porn Stash: Unable to wait for his 736 virgins in heaven, a nice stash of porno was found in bin Laden's compound in Pakistan after we shot him to death earlier this month.
Actually, nobody that we know of was getting too up in arms over this. I mean, you're living in exile and in hiding, you're exhausted after a hard day of terrorizing and all three of your wives are on the rag, look, you're bound to get compound fever. It happens.
Money Shot: A porn stash would actually seem to be contrary to official bin Laden polic. Recall that in 2002 Osama sent us a letter chastising us Americans:
You have brainwashed your daughters into believing they are liberated by wearing revealing clothes, yet in reality all they have liberated is your sexual desire…
GO IN PEACE, SERVE THE UNIVERSE: NASA'S Mars rover Spirit was officially relieved of its duties Tuesday, more than six years after landing, as NASA suspended communications with the rover.
Dry, Technical Matter: Wednesday's shutdown was a formality, kind of like a guy texting his ex he was breaking up after she had long moved out of the house. Spirit had last communicated with us in March, 2010, and had been stuck in some Martian soil since May, 2009, although, valiantly, it continued to send back data while stuck.
FunFact: Spirit landed on Mars on January 4, 2004 and was originally scheduled for a three week mission.
Oh Yeah: Spirit's sister rover Opportunity, which landed three weeks later, is still in service on the opposite side of the planet.
NOT GUILTY: President Andrew Johnson avoids removal from office by one vote at his impeachment trial on this date in 1868. The decisive vote is cast by Senator Edmund G. Ross of Kansas, one of six Republicans who broke party ranks and voted for acquittal.
Although the House of Representatives had drawn up eleven specific articles of impeachment against Johnson, he was more or less being tried on charges stemming from the fact he wasn't Abraham Lincoln and of annoying a Republican controlled Congress.
The Dow Opened Higher In Moderate Trading: The Dow Jones Industrial Average is published for the first time on this date in 1896. The Dow closed that day at 40.94
Ah, Hell: Harvey Haddix pitches 12 perfect innings for the Pittsburgh Pirates on this date in 1959, only to lose the perfect game, the no-hitter and the ballgame in the 13th, as the Milwaukee Braves use an error, a sacrifice, an intentional walk and then a double (that would've been a home run had Joe Adcock not passed Henry Aaron on the bases) to win the game 1-0.
The Post Game Show Is Brought To You By Schlitz: Lew Burdette went all the way for the Braves to pick up the win. He gave up 12 hits and struck out two and moved his record to 8-2 on the year. Haddix fell to 4-3.
3…2…1…Blastoff…Er, Splashdown: Apollo 10 splashes down in the Pacific Ocean on this date in 1969. The final Apollo mission that wasn't scheduled to land on the Moon, it's lunar module flew to within 8.5 miles of the lunar surface.
Point Of No Return: Apollo 10 was a dry run for the first lunar landing in July, and astronauts were discouraged from making a renegade landing on the Moon by the fact the ascent tanks on the lunar module weren't completely filled, so there was not enough fuel to launch from the Moon and return to the command module.
Thought For The Day: …for men of eminent ability there is no law - they are themselves a law. - Aristotle
Answer To The Last Trivia Question: The oldest suspension bridge still in use that was once the world's longest suspension bridge is the Union Bridge, spanning the River Tweed on the English/Scottish border.
Today's Stumper: Who would have become president of the United States had Andrew Johnson been removed from office? - Answer next time!
Bonus Stumper: Harvey Haddix's 12 perfect innings in one game was the first of two instances in major league history where a pitcher retired at least 30 consecutive batters in a game. Who had the second? Answer next time!
Comments? Recipes? Complaints? Email the Writer's Shack here!
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