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The Human Zoo/September 25, 2011
By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack
Notes from around The Human Experience...
YAY! We usually have better things to write about, but the trash has been taken out and our nose is picked and, besides, the current NBA labor spat, where the owners have locked out the players, finally has some good news: real, live NBA games are getting cancelled!
We are not making that up. The joyous tidings came this week, when the league announced some meaningless preseason games have been cancelled. Since exhibition games are even less meaningful than NBA regular season games, they will be missed as much as a case of gas.
While having practice games cancelled isn't quite as good as having regular season games - or, better yet, the entire regular season - cancelled, anytime the public is not forced to endure basketball as played in the NBA is a cause for summoning the band and sounding the horns.
Write This Down: Basketball, as played in the NBA, is basically unwatchable. Sure, the athletic feats nowadays sometimes defy words. Phenomenal athletes will accurately throw the ball from half court and someone equally gifted will leap high in the air, secure possession of the ball with one hand, then slam it home, all before touching the floor again. But the game is otherwise unwatchable. Fouls are now part of a game plan, defense is now more or less collision based and the last two minutes of most games take an eternity.
Dry, Technical Matter: Plus, as has been established, not every NBA game is on the up and up.
Get Your Official Writer's Shack Policy Right Here: We've discussed this before: fouls should not be part of an overall game plan. Fouls are punitive measures issued for violating the rules, so let's put some bite back into their penalties. Actually, we can keep the current penalties, however add a provision where after every foul, shooting, common fouls, every single one, give the team that was fouled the ball back. For example, I foul you on the shot, you take your one or two free throws and then you get the ball back.
Right now basketball will be made watchable. The number of fouls will decrease, people will start actually playing defense again and the last two minutes of a game will pass in an enjoyable, timely manner.
You're welcome.
WHINING WILL GET YOU EVERYWHERE: Showing he knows where the power lies, Brad Livingstone, the executive director of Texas' state prison agency, acceded to whining by State Senator John Whitmire and ended the practice of allowing an inmate to choose his last meal. Livingstone acted within a few hours of Whitmire's written request.
Oh, Jesus H: Call us bleading hearts if you must, but we're already killing the guy, after keeping him warehoused for this express purpose for the past decade or two, we can afford to indulge his last meal fantasy. Good gravy.
A Differing Viewpoint By A Responsible Spokesman: On the other hand, more than one condemned man has called the practice barbaric and a lot of last meals don't get eaten because if you're within a couple of hours of being put to death you're not as hungry as, say, a Somalian refugee.
FINALLY: Official Writer's Shack faves the All Blacks, the national rugby team of New Zealand, avenged their 2007 World Cup quarterfinal defeating the thieving, French Saturday in New Zealand in Pool A action, smacking them around 37-17.
It wasn't as close as the score indicated, either, with the All Blacks getting two tries (the rugby equivalent of touchdown in football) before anybody needed a deodorant and shutting the goddamned French out until the second half (the equivalent of the second half in football)
Bracketology: With the win the All Blacks win Pool A and advance to the quarterfinals where they will take on the runner-up from Pool B, probably either Scotland or Argentina, on October 9. France, and we are trying hard to conceal our glee here, but France is still not assured a spot in the quarterfinals, because if they lose to Tonga, and Tonga scores more than four tries, then Tonga will advance because both will have ten points in pool play and Tonga will hold the tie breaker.
Oh Yeah: The All Blacks wrap up pool play on October 2 against Canada.
USA! U…Oh, Why Bother: Team USA is all but out of it. They are can still advance, however they need to beat Italy Tuesday, have Russia beat Ireland Sunday and then a lot of team busses have to crash.
EXTRA! EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT! The first multi-page newspaper in what is now the United States is published in Boston, Masscusetts on this date in 1690. It was called Publik Occurrances Both Forreign and Domestick and was published by Richard Pierce and edited by Benjamin Harris.
Great Moments In Freedom Of The Press: Pierce planned to publish is newspaper monthly, however the Masschusetts government, citing the paper's "Reflections of a very high nature" and its "sundry doubtful and uncertain Reports" shut it down.
Great Moments In Race Relations: Switzerland issues orders not to admit Jewish refugees on this date in 1942.
More Great Moments In Race Relations: Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas is integrated with the help of the US Army on this date in 1957.
Going…Going…Gone: Rusty Staub of the New York Mets becomes the second player in major league history to hit home runs as a teenager and as a 40-year-old, connecting on this date in 1984. Pinch hitting in the bottom of the ninth inning, Staub hit a game-winning two-run home run off of Philadelphia's Larry Anderson, the difference in the New York's 6-4 victory.
Staub's first big league home run had come in June, 1963 when Staub, then 19, played for the Houston Astros, then known as the Colt 45s.
Thought For The Day: Group headquarters was alarmed for there was no telling what people might find out once they felt free to ask whatever questions they wanted to. - Joseph Heller, Catch-22
Answer To The Last Trivia Question: The Pittsburgh Pirates have the second longest World Series title drought in the National League, 31 years.
Today's Stumper: Who was the first major league player to hit home runs as a teenager and after their 40th birthday? - Answer next time!
Comments? Recipes? Complaints? Email the Writer's Shack here!
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