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The Human Zoo/July 25, 2011
Formerly The Daily Dose
By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack
Nots from around The Human Experience...
YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE…OR GROOM…WHICHEVER: The first gay marriages were performed in New York state Sunday.
Cue Cheesy Porn Music: The first couple to tie the knot in New York City were two lesbians, one 76 and one 85 and in a wheelchair.
Thanks For Reinforcing The Stereotype, Guys: Two men - from California, naturally - were next, each wearing kilts and adorable Prince Charlie jackets.
Weather Report: Despite the fact homosexuals are now marrying left and right in New York, Mr. Sun still rose in the east this morning and, after its days work is completed, is expected to set in the west. Sources privately expect this to happen again on Tuesday.
Get Your Official Writer's Shack Policy Right Here: We're on board with this, of course, just like we were on board when New York authorized gay weddings last month. The purpose of government is to provide for the liberty of its citizens and if letting people of the same gender marry, that's all right. If gay marriage isn't for you - and it's not for us, we're not gay, dammit - don't gay marry. Just because it's legal doesn't make it mandatory.
More From The Homo Desk: President Obama last week endorsed a bill by another whack job Californian, Senator Dianne Feinstein, that would repeal the Defense of Marriage Act, which defines marriage as something between a man and a woman. And on Friday the president ratified Congress' ending of the ban on homosexuals serving openly in the military.
More Officials Writer's Shack Policy! Homosexuals have been serving this country honorably since the Revolution so we might as well let them out of the closet. We've never seen what the big deal is. Civilians have been putting up with homosexuals in the workplace for ages so there's no reason the service should be denied this pleasure, too. Fags are warned they are entering a rather conservative institution and would do well to show some discretion and not to go trolling for dates at the mess hall, but other than that they should be no more prejudicial to good order and discipline than women, rednecks or any other segment of the military population.
OH, GOOD GRIEF: If you had to list five countries you would think the less likely to suffer an attack like the one in Norway last week, admit it, Norway would be on the list.
USA! USA! You expect stuff like that here. In fact, it's so common we're about out of thoughts and prayers to issue when mass shootings take place now.
What The Hell's Going On Here? It happens in this country because this country is so far removed from the path it should be taking it isn't even funny. All we care about is being entertained and well-fed, and if we can do both at the same time, A+. More power to us.
This country already is at the fifth ring, fourth level of Hell. Two-thirds of us are obese and the average American spends almost five hours a day watching television. We haven't done anything great since Apollo. We're taught that only worthwhile life is a life that gets you rich or a reality show. Things like getting the most out of your talents take a back seat to getting yours.
So it's no wonder we're shooting each other up in this country. We don't stand for anything anymore. We're as morally adrift as we are intellectually bereft. To quote Salmon Rushdie, America has become fat and trivial and we don't find it too difficult to believe some of our more psycho whack jobs out there are saying "eff this noise" and taking matters into their own hands and shooting people are manifestations of this.
SMH: But Norway? The closest they should have to come to crap like this watching the latest news from the US.
GREAT MOMENTS IN ROMAN ARCHES: The Arch of Constantine is completed in Rome on this date in 315. The arch commemorates a Constantine military victory and is still standing a couple of hundred feet southwest of the Colosseum
Take Me Out To The Ball Game: Cy Seymour of the Cincinnati Reds establishes a major league record with four sacrifice hits in a game against the Chicago Cubs, who were then known as the Orphans.
Oh Yeah: The Reds won the game 6-1.
Oh Yeah II: The feat has been equaled several times, most recently in 1989 by Felix "Sacrifice" Fermin.
Play Ball: Stan Musial of the St. Louis Cardinals breaks Mel Ott's all-time National League RBI record on this date in 1962. Musial hits a two-run home run off of Don Drysdale in the sixth inning of a 5-2 loss to the Dodgers, giving him 1,862 for his career. Musial had tied Ott at 1,860 RBI's the day before.
Like A Rolling Stone: Bob Dylan causes a stir by playing an electric guitar on this date in 1965. His songs still don't make any sense.
All In The Family: Louise Brown, the world's first test tube baby, is born on this date in 1978. Louise had been conceived from a female egg fertilized outside her mom's body, then placed in her uterus. Four years later Brown's sister would be born, the world's fortieth test tube baby.
A Warm, Personal Remembrance: This is one of the stories that marked the passing of our childhood, mainly because we weren't quite of age yet and not entirely sure how a baby was conceived outside of a test tube much less inside of one.
Dry, Technical Matter: Today Brown is married with a son of her own, conceived naturally.
Thought For The Day: This species could have been so great, and now everybody just wants a new Salad Shooter or sneakers with lights in them. This is what we've settled for. - George Carlin.
Answer To The Last Trivia Question: Jermaine Dye and Willie Horton (325 home runs) immediately precede Gary Carter (324 home runs) on the major league all-time home run list, while Derek Lee (322 home runs) immediately follows Carter. Note: Carter is tied with Lance Parrish for 103rd on the all-time home run list.
Today's Stumper:Whose all-time National League RBI record did Mel Ott break? - Answer next time!
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