The Bottom Ten/2015's Greatest Hits
By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack
January 13, 2016
Still basking in the glow of the international acclaim for 2014's Best Of survey, Bottom Ten pollsters carefully reviewed every Bottom Ten survey this season to come with 2015's Greatest Hits.
This year, instead of picking the ten best lines, Bottom Ten pollsters picked the Line of the Year before presenting all the other funny lines, more or less in the order they were written.
On behalf of the Bottom Ten pollsters, Vic their bartender and the accounting staff that keeps track of their bar tab, thank you for reading, we hope you enjoy reading The Bottom Ten as much as we enjoy writing it.
The 2016 Bottom Ten will begin in 231 days.
The final fiasco:
Line of the Year:
Army: Plan to distract Penn State coaching staff with sideline performance by Vienna Boys Choir thwarted when mix-up inadvertently gave credentials to Insane Clown Posse tribute act.
Caught in the Lint Trap:
Ad on splash page of Cheney football's website allows visitors to permanently skip ad, as if anybody is going to visit Cheney football's homepage more than once.
Army expected to benefit from Secretary of Defense ruling requiring civilian opponents to show proper respect for future warriors by calling all play signals and audibles to the tune of God Bless America
Commodores still seeing benefits from early-century merger of Student Affairs/Athletic Department as incoming crop of interpretive dancers, ROTC cadets expected to provide help at linebacker.
Sure, ties are exciting and everything, but even NASA engineers not sure how ties affect playoff races…League said to be looking into skipping overtime and issuing win to team with least number of domestic violence arrests.
Vanderbilt still reeling from turn-of-century merger of Athletic/Student Life departments, as Chilean foreign exchange students take over play calling duties, producing six (6) punts, three (3) interceptions and seven (7) corner kicks.
London city officials - who've caught on that Americans don't really want to see the Jaguars play - have informed NFL they will sublet future Jaguar games to Budapest or Los Angeles…
B-10 pollsters taking wait-and-see attitude after visit to Charlotte football site produces pop-up ad for assorted nail polishes.
Jayhawks issued first ever BFE Cup, issued to first ever major division team to lose to both Dakota States in same century.
Vanderbilt still hampered by turn of century merger of Athletic, Student Life departments, as only students from gymnastics team available to try two-point conversion late in game as gymnasts shocked to learn zero (0) points were awarded for vaulting kicker through uprights.
Army hindered by pregame Army Secretary ruling requiring Cadets - to better prepare them for future Army service - to have water bottles filled not with a cold, refreshing beverage, but with scalding hot coffee that more resembles an engine additive you put in tanks for improved engine performance.
Owls do everything but place ball in end zone and let Buffalo fall on it, having two (2) fumbles and an interception returned for touchdowns…
Game not a close as score indicated, as final TD came against Rutgers players from 1869 team that played in first ever college football game and still had some eligibility remaining.
Teams thrill ESPN792 audience with 100 running plays and just 45 passing plays…While B-10 pollsters don't have any specific figures, they are "pretty sure" this was "really boring and stuff".
"Want To Be A Vandal" link on Vandal homepage clicked even less than "Read The Latest Bottom Ten" link at the Writer's Shack.
With 48 penalty yards and 40 yards lost rushing, Wolves have more backwards yards (88) than forwards yards (69).
Noted British city tired of being force fed lousy US football teams, as steady diet of Jacksonville Jaguars and Miami Dolphins has Queen looking into whether Treaty of Ghent can be revoked and War of 1812 renewed
Jayhawks not even bothering in this one, breaking out to 7-0, 14-7, 21-7, 24-7, 31-7, 38-7, 45-7, 52-7, 59-7 and 66-7 deficits before calling off the dogs and holding Baylor scoreless in fourth quarter…
Lions fans, thirsty for yet another 0-16 campaign, up in arms over benching of QB Matt Stafford, wondering "For who?"
UCF never in this one, trailing 35-0 before third stringers can even get limbered up…
Four (4) out five (5) dentists surveyed think Louisiana-Famous Dead Person is funniest B-10 combined entry ever, easily outdistancing Tri-Lateral Commission (Duke, Vanderbilt, Rice) and College of Cardinals (Notre Dame, Anna Maria).
With one win coming against lower level team and two others against major division teams with a combined 3-13 record, Vandals strength of schedule points could influence final B-10 standings if they lose out…Or not, as B-10 pollsters still not entirely sure how strength of schedule affects a survey ranking bad football teams.
Jayhawks so bad, athletic website leading with pic of four (4) chick soccer players before big match - or whatever soccer games are called - with Texas Tech this week.
UCF players issued B-10 library cards after announcement football team has 90 percent graduation rate…Despite ability to comprehend complex offensive concepts, Knights brainiacs still unable to run the ball, ranking Dead Last in Rushing Offense (78.7 ypg)
Wolves have punted for over 1.3 miles in 2015 have made zero (0) field goals…While NCAA record books does not list record for Fewest Field Goals Made, Season, B-10 pollsters "pretty sure" zero (0) in a season would "basically" be a record.
Black Knights of Confusion hindered by Army Secretary ruling requiring Cadets - to better prepare for future battles against ISIS - to play entire game on defense while wearing combat boots and while jotting every Air Force offensive formation in triplicate with a government pen that usually doesn't write.
An EMU linebacker selected as MAC West Division Defensive Player of the Week…Probably for blowing coverages or missing tackles or something like that…B-10 staff is still investigating.
Cadets hampered by Secretary of Army directive requiring all offensive and defensive signals to be sent in via Morse code, which resulted in 950 yards in delay of game penalties.
To avoid further public humiliation, heirs of Paul Brown, who the team is named for, thinking of changing name to Cleveland Lebowskis
Total team effort as punt return average made the difference, with Jayhawks only mustering six (6) feet every return - a mark that could be improved simply by getting some 7-foot basketball players to fall forward after catching a punt.
While veteran B-10 watchers know you overlook Washington State at your peril, Beavers appear primed to keep Spotted Owl Jug - symbolic of Pacific Northwest B-10 supremacy - for the next few years.
Cowboys in that infrequent, dread state of being in race for both NFL playoffs, B-10 title at same time…Cowboys need help for both, needing to finish 0-3, plus have other teams win to earn B-10 title; win out, have everyone else in division lose, have New Horizons spacecraft reverse course, land on Pluto to make playoffs
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