The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 14 - The Interregnum Poll!
By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack
December 2, 2015
With the Army/Navy game - as usual, key in determining the final Bottom Ten rankings - not being played until Valentine's Day, the final Bottom Ten survey of the season cannot be issued this week.
Or next week, for that matter. So this week we are pleased to trot out the second or third annual College Bottom Ten Interregnum Poll. An NFL Bottom Ten Week 2 staple for most of this century, the Interregnum Poll features the usual witless social commentary you know and love.
Next week, the annual Bottom Ten Bowl Game edition will move and the 2015 Bottom Ten champion, in addition to the issuance of the Tostitos Plaque - given to the team with the longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win - and the Sgt Bilko Trophy - symbolic of service academy lousiness will move on December 15.
This week's mess:
1. College Football Playoff
Mitigating Factors: Mankind's finest hour since Apollo 11, the four-team College Football Playoff has accomplished its mandate of eliminating completely and for good the controversy that annually attended the BCS…There will be absolutely no controversy this year, even if Clemson and/or Alabama lose…Thanks, College Football Playoff!!!
Once More, With Feeling: A 32-team NCAA Division I Football Playoff could begin Thanksgiving weekend and end on New Year's Day.
2. United States
Mitigating Factors: Hey guys, how about giving peace a shot, huh?...You have been at war every day since 1989 and both the world and your country are the worse for it…Your planet is a cesspool of hatred and destruction, while gunfire has replaced "Good morning" as the major form of social interaction in your country.
FunFact: War is not working. A peaceful world starts with a peaceful America.
3. College Football Bowl Season
Mitigating Factors: 80 - 80!!! - major division college football teams will get to play postseason games this season, 78 more than in 1902...Only three (3) of them meaning anything with the rest being, let's face it, meaningless exhibitions designed to get hard working people to part with their money….Games so meaningful five (5) are played in baseball stadiums.
Oh Hell: Anticipation high, as several 5-7 teams expected to receive bowl bids this year.
4. US Electorate
Mitigating Factors: Reelected 96 percent of incumbents to a Congress that had an eleven (11) percent approval rating in 2014 mid-terms, despite presence of Gaylon Kent on Colorado US Senate ballot…Voter's message clear: We are not happy with our government! We are unwilling to do anything about it!
FunFact: Generally happy to accept whatever they are spoon fed, may take an interest in their government before their nation collapses, or they may not…Let's watch and find out!
5. Hawaii (3-10; defeated UL-Monroe 28-26)
Mitigating Factors: Hard-luck Warriors probably won't make final B-10 survey with three (3) wins, but recent announcement they will open 2016 vs Cal in Sydney, Australia send B-10 staffers scurrying for their atlases.
Get Your Notebooks Out: Class in session as Hawaii athletic department giving clinic in being both pimp and whore at the same time, selling their players out by shipping them to Sydney on August 27, Michigan on September 3, back to Hawaii on September 10 and then Arizona on September 17.
6. University of North Dakota
Mitigating Factors: Formerly known as the Fighting Sioux, school mainly noted for hockey team changes name to Fighting Hawks…UND was given opportunity to keep name, but couldn't rustle up support from Indian tribes, though it is unclear if local hawk population have signed off on name change.
FunFact: UND's hockey team's home, the Ralph Englestadt Arena, is hosting the 18-and-under world championships next spring.
7. Earlham (0-9; DNP); Lewis and Clark (0-10; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: While Cheyney earned the Continental Cup - issued to the team with the longest all-division losing streak in NATO - with 43 consecutive losses, these two plucky Division III schools each end 2015 with 23-game losing streaks, good for second best in nation…B-10 pollsters "pretty sure" they were surprised they didn't have an award for the second-longest all-division losing streak to hand out and sent B-10 staffers to basement to look for any spare awards laying around.
FunFact: Earlham is a liberal arts college in Richmond, Indiana…It was founded in 1846 and has about 1,200 students…Lewis and Clark is another liberal arts college that insists on letting future poets and social workers get smacked around on the football field…It is located in Portland, Oregon, was founded in 1867 and has about 3,400 students.
8. Duke (7-5; defeated Wake Forest 27-21)
Mitigating Factors: Once and probably future B-10 champions finish regular season with non-losing record for fourth (4th) consecutive season for first time since - and this took some looking into - 1960-63 squads combined for 28-12-1 mark.
FunFact: Despite recent successes, Bleu Devils retain B-10 Team of the Decade honors for Double Aughts, with two (2) 20-game losing streaks.
9. Chicago Cubs (0-107)
Mitigating Factors: Noted baseball team - long an Interregnum Poll staple - still has not won World Series since 1908, though they did make the playoffs this year, losing in National League Championship Series for fourth (4th) time.
FunFact: Team is now run by same guy who brought the almost similarly starved Red Sox a World Series title, so maybe this will be their century.
Kansas City Royals
Mitigating Factors: America's Team does it, winning first World Series in 30-years in a five-game triumph over the evil New York Mets…Entire nation, except some malcontent Mets and Blue Jays fans, enthralled by team that simply never quit and got two (2) in the ninth (9th) and five (5) in the twelfth (12th) in deciding game.
Give Me An R, Dammit: Royals never do it the easy way, as 2015 squad joins 1985 world champions on short list of Greatest Comeback Teams of All-Time
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