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Gaylon Kent
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Copyright, 2013, Gaylon Kent, All rights reserved.

I write so you will remember this the rest of your lives.
There is no other reason to do it, folks.
None, whatsoever.
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Friday February 6
One thing about this job is it is difficult to make plans for after work…Today was a great example of that…It's Winter Carnival weekend in town and generally it's fun to go and watch some ski jumping and have dinner and generally enjoy the atmosphere.

And if today were a normal day we would've been able to do that…However, we picked up a couple of Freddie's stops in Town A…Route 22 didn't run this week, so Freddie got stuck with a lot of them and he asked if we could take a couple of his Doily Dispensing Machines for him and I said sure, of course…One of them gave me problems, too, insisting it was empty even tho I had just stuffed it with doilies and we were over an hour behind schedule as we headed out of Town A…So instead of getting back to town about 7 or so and being able to enjoy some quality Winter Carnival time because you can never really see enough live ski jumping we got back to town about 9 or so.

We swapped trucks at the end of our route, too, Freddie forking over is beloved truck, which is identical to the one I crashed last month, and taking possession of our 072404 with non-working running lights.

Aaron, Freddie's driver and a pretty good guy, said it was a "death trap" and the dashboard looked like a Christmas tree with all the warning lights that were on, including the engine light and a triangle that no one seems to know the significance of, but it got us back home safely and it will be nice to have a drum truck again.

It's called a drum truck because you enter it from a door on the side…You walk up a couple of steps and you are in a drum and you turn the door of the drum and you get access to the inside…For ultimate security there's a thingy that reads your palm which in turn lets you rotate the drum door, but that is disabled for some reason.

Today's first world problem concerns the heater in the back of the truck: it only has two settings: "Gobi Desert" and "Off"…You can either bake, or freeze and compounding the tragedy the control isn't in arms reach of where you're sitting, you have to undo your seat belt and lean forward, a violation of company policy while the truck is moving.

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The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously.

Copyright 2013-14, Gaylon Kent, all rights reserved. Only excerpts for a review may be used in any form without Gaylon Kent's express written consent, just like on NFL telecasts.
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The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 1

By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack

September 1, 2015

Now the hell will start.

The race for the most coveted awards in all of sports - the ESPNCup, symbolic of Bottom Ten supremacy - begins this week.

And what a field! Known for its depth in recent years, the 2015 Bottom Ten promises to fall even deeper - as if
 that's possible - as Bottom Ten staffers, looking to prevent the Sun Belt Conference from occupying all ten spots, are considering giving the conference its own Bottom Ten poll. 

And B-10 pollsters set a record that can never be broken, issuing the first Bottom Ten award of the season in this week's poll. The previous record was, of course, the Jim Hanifan Medallion - symbolic of NFL preseason ineptitude, issued in the Week 2 NFL poll.

This week's mess:

Editor's Note: Final 2014 record and Bottom Ten finish in parenthesis.

1. Idaho (1-10; 3rd)

Mitigating Factors:
Worst Team To Never Win B-10 title earn first ever preseason #1 ranking…Vandals have gone 3-32 the past three (3) seasons and have not won consecutive games since 2009…Coach Paul Petrino, starting his third season, still trying convince natives he has what it takes to win B-10 title, as only eleven of 33 incoming freshman are actually from Idaho…None, however, are any good.
All The Marbles: Oct. 31 showdown with New Mexico State looms large, as in 2014 and 2012 only blemish on otherwise perfect seasons have been wins against Aggies.
Opening Loss: vs. Ohio (9/3)

2. Georgia State (1-11; 1st)
Mitigating Factors: Expectations sky-high for defending ESPNCup champions, with nation's best eleven (11) game losing streak…Bulldogs or Eagles or whatever they're called also defending holders of Tostitos Plaque, issues to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win…Ordinarily a defending B-10 champion who is 1-23 the past two seasons would be looking at consecutive B-10 titles, but team was ineligible for B-10 in 2013, their first year of major division college football.
Good News/Bad News: Georgia State returns two experienced running backs, who exploded for 563 yards and four (4) touchdowns in 2014.
Opening Loss: Charlotte (9/4)

3. New Mexico State (2-12; 2nd)
Mitigating Factors: Another B-10 perennial looking to cement its Team of the Decade application with their first B-10 title, Aggies have lost ten (10) straight, second-best in nation…Only wins last year came against B-10 champion Georgia State and lower level team…Coaching staff knows defense wins B-10 titles, and Aggies returning ten (10) starters from defense that ranked Dead Last in Rushing Defense (309.9 ypg) and gave over 39 points per game.
The Tradition Continues: New Mexico State has not appeared in a bowl game since 1960 - the longest drought in college football - when they defeated Utah State 20-13 in the Sun Bowl.
Opening Loss: at Florida (9/5)

4. Sun Belt Conference (5-32)
Mitigating Factors: With stellar .135 non-conference winning percentage and entire Week 1 medal stand occupied by Sun Belt teams, conference easy pick for preseason Conference of the Week honors…After getting 45 percent of conference teams ranked at least once in 1014 B-10, Sun Belt looking to run the table and get entire conference ranked at least once in 2015.
The New Material Budget Was Zero, I See: Sun Belt Conference teams rebounded for strong .500 mark in conference play.

5. Duke (9-4, NR)

Mitigating Factors:
 B-10 Team of the Decade for the Double Aughts gets annual, cursory Week 1 berth mandated by B-10 bylaws, new Iran nuclear treaty…Despite spike in football interest due to recent bowl appearance(s), rest assured everyone on campus knows basketball practice begins in a month…2014 squad first Duke team since 1936 to have separate four (4) game winning streaks in same season. 
The More Things Change…: Despite three straight bowl appearances, Bleu Devils have finished season with a win only once since George H.W. Bush administration (2003).
Opening Loss: at Tulane (9/3)

6. Cheyney (0-11; 7th)
Mitigating Factors: Division II Wolves, already the only two-time winner of Continental Cup - issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO - have lost 32 straight and are easy pick to retain title…Newest B-10 Hall of Fame inductees not content to rest on laurels, bringing in new head coach with proven track record, having guided Cheyney to 3-30 mark in late 20th century…Ad on splash page of Cheney football's website allows visitors to permanently skip ad, as if anybody is going to visit Cheney football's homepage more than once.
Fly In The Ointment: Should Wolves stumble and win, D-III Wilmington (Ohio) waiting in the wings with 23 consecutive losses.
Opening Loss: Lincoln (9/5)

7. Steve Sarkasian (NR)
Mitigating Factors: USC coach earns first B-10 hardware of 2015 campaign, receiving six-pack of inaugural Dr Bill Commemorative Rocks Glasses Presented by AA for booze, prescription drug-fueled tirade at recent team kegger…Sarkasian heard to make slurred call for return to good old days when fellow drunk SC coaches and sportswriters would either have joined him or prevented him from drunk public speaking in first place.
Family Affair: Fortunately, he doesn't have wife to embarrass anymore, as couple filed for divorce months ago.
Opening Loss:
 First step.
8. NCAA Bottom Ten Week 1 Poll (3-18; NR)
Mitigating Factors: Official government research shows B-10 pollsters may not know what they are talking about - a shocker, we know - as only three of 21 teams that have begun season on vaunted B-10 medal stand since 2008 have actually finished season on vaunted B-10 medal stand…None of these three teams began and ended the season at number one, though defending champion Georgia State began 2014 at number three.
What In The Hell's Going On Here:
 B-10 pollsters "pretty sure" 2015 Week 1 survey first Week 1 survey to make appearance in Week 1 survey "basically ever".

9. Vanderbilt (3-9; 10th)
Mitigating Factors: Commodore fan(s) expecting strong B-10 run this season, as 2014 squad recovered nicely from consecutive 9-4 seasons to return to B-10 glory…Commodores still seeing benefits from early-century merger of Student Affairs/Athletic Department as incoming crop of interpretive dancers, ROTC cadets expected to provide help at linebacker.
Strong Finishing Kick: Traditionally strong finishers, Commodores may need one in 2015 to overcome dangerous, winnable games against lower-level Austin Peay and sort-of-lower-level Western Kentucky early in season.
Opening Loss: Western Kentucky (9/3)

10. Army (4-8; 6th)
Mitigating Factors: Black Knights of Confusion looking for third consecutive Sgt Bilko Trophy - symbolic of service academy lousiness - in 2015…  Cadets long a model of B-10 consistency, having lost at least three consecutive games in 17 of the last 18 seasons, sometimes twice in the same season…Army expected to benefit from Secretary of Defense ruling requiring civilian opponents to show proper respect for future warriors by calling all play signals and audibles to the tune of God Bless America.
Ten Hut!: Handicapping service academies is always crap shoot, but opening with losses in winnable games against Fordham and UConn could set the tone for the best Army season since the historic 2003 squad ran the table at 0-13.
Opening Loss: Fordham (9/5)

Opening Week Clash of the Titans:
 Western Kentucky at Vanderbilt

These Aren't Going To Be Any Good, Either:
 Entire Sun Belt Conference schedule

Coming Up Next On ESPN3,627:
Charlotte at Georgia State

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