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The Bottom Ten/NFL Final
By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack
Like a house of cards collapsing, everything fell into place for the St. Louis Rams this season. From Indianapolis' inability to run the table, to a clutch win by Minnesota to their own season ending seven (7) game losing streak, the Rams were the clear choice for the Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy.
Again, Bottom Ten pollsters emphasized finishing strong, as two four-win teams, who combined to lose their last sixteen (XVI) games, round out the medal stand, leaving Indianapolis and Minnesota, both victims of late season victories, are left to wonder what might have been.
In other Bottom Ten news, pollsters are breaking out the champagne, as opposed to the hard stuff, after going the distance and completing an NFL Bottom Ten poll every week in 2012, taking zero (0) bye weeks and sticking around till the very end, which hasn’t always been the case in the past.
The week's mess, as the nags limp across the finish line:
1. St. Louis Rams (2-14; lost to San Francisco 34-27) – Rams also start strong, as 0-5 beginning helps secure first ever B-10 title...Rams defense so bad, they are easily able to overcome plucky offense in finale, who put up second highest point total of season...Despite title, Rams fire head coach anyway for failing to go 0-16.
2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-12; lost to Atlanta 45-24) – Remaining Tampa Bay fans renew crying foul as hard-charging Buccaneers lose final ten games and are still forced to settle for the B-10 runner-up spot..In desperate bid to secure title, Buccaneers pull out all the stops in finale, sprinting out to 42-0 second quarter deficit and giving 428 total yards, including 251 on the ground...Buccaneer management so disillusioned, they fire head coach in attempt to bring B-10 title home in 2012.
3.- Cleveland Browns (4-12; lost to Pittsburgh 13-9) – Browns rebound from 2-1 start to lose 11 of last 13, not to mention their last six, to claim final B-10 medal stand spot...Cleveland's four (4) rushing touchdowns, about one a month, the worst in the NFL, and their...Only team in B-10 history to earn medal stand berth with quarterbacks named “Colt” and “Seneca” which reads more like porn movie credits than a depth chart.
4. Minnesota Vikings (3-13; lost to Chicago 17-13) – Vikings another team left to sift through the 'what if' ashes, as Week 16 victory prevented first ever B-10 title...Just for funsies, Vikings resume early season form, breaking out to 10-0 first quarter lead, before settling and getting outscored 14-3 the rest of the way.
5. AFC West Despite having just one team below .500, AFC West easily takes Pete Rozelle Award – awarded to NFL's worst division – by producing division champion with .500 record as Broncos – the preseason B-10 #1 – storm into postseason with three-game losing streak.
6. College Football Postseason – Despite fact nobody particularly cares about college football after January 1 - or Monday, January 2 - there are still five (5) bowl games to be played, including titanic match-ups featuring 6-6 Pittsburgh against slightly better 7-5 SMU, not to mention revered, iconic programs like Arkansas State and Northern Illinois, not to mention a BCS title game that is merely a rematch of regular season match-up...Thanks BCS!
7. Indianapolis Colts (2-14; lost to Jacksonville 19-13) - B-10 pollsters so disgusted with Colts failure to go 0-16 they refuse to grant them medal stand berth, banishing them to bottom half of survey despite tying for NFL's worst record...B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Colts first team to start season 0-13, finish 2-14, and fail to earn medal stand berth...In order to build for future B-10 title runs Colts fire all team executives whose last name begins with “Polian”.
8. NFL – League featured 20 teams that failed to produce a winning record this season, the highest number this century...Of those 20 teams, five won four or fewer games...B-10 pollsters still 'mostly sure' league is still more interesting than the NBA, however.
9. Washington Redskins (5-11; lost to Philadelphia 34-10) – Redskins slowly building B-10 dynasty under legendary head coach Mike Shanahan, improving from 2010's six-win campaign...Triumphant off of success of removing 10,000 seats in the upper deck this season, Redskins looking into removing entire lower level in order to satisfy 2012 season ticket cancellations.
10. Dallas Cowboys (8-8; lost at New York Giants 31-14) – Cowboys lose four out of last five to transition seamlessly from playoff contender to B-10 finalist...Offense key, punting on first five (5) possessions while securing loss in second half with two (2) turnover...Entire organization to spend off-season soul searching to see if they really have what it takes to make serious B-10 medal stand run in 2012.
This Week's Clash of the Playoff Titans:Pittsburgh at Denver
This Isn't Don Criqui Reporting: One of our fave announcers, Mr. Criqui, now 71, has cut back on his NFL announcing duties and only worked three games this season. Our loss.
"I don't believe this...IT'S GOOD!” - Hall of Fame announcer Don Criqui, calling Tom Dempsey's NFL record 63-yard field goal, 11/8/70.
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