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The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 14
By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack
Holy septic tank Batman! With just five weeks remaining in the 2009 season, Bottom Ten fan(s) find their toilets, er cups, running over with ineptitude as no less than three (3) NFL teams remain 1-10! And since one of them isn't Detroit, who have followed up their historic 2008 winless campaign with two (2) wins so far in 2009, the race for The Dan Henning Trophy, like a dwindling credit market, is only going to get tighter!
This week's imbroglio, as the nags enter the far turn:
1. Cleveland Browns (1-10; lost to Cincinnati 16-7) - Browns offense kicking into high gear, having scored touchdowns in consecutive games for first time in 2009…Despite still having to face Oakland and Kansas City, Browns with excellent chance to lose out…Next Loss: San Diego
2. St. Louis Rams (1-10; lost to Seattle 27-17) - Loss to Seahawks kicks off key stretch of four games against teams with losing records…Rams looking to keep B-10 title hopes alive by losing all four, though pollsters privately feel Rams will need to get blown out in at least two of them to have any chance of overtaking Cleveland…Next Loss: at Chicago
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-10; lost to Atlanta 20-17) - Seeing B-10 title hopes vanish in front of their eyes, Buccaneers recover to allow clutch game-winning touchdown pass with five seconds left in game to seal third straight loss…Next Loss: at Carolina
4. Detroit Lions (2-9; lost to Green Bay 34-12) - Lions burst out to quick 7-0 lead before turning it over to defense…B-10 historians more or less certain Lions become first team in B-10 history to get touchdown, field goal and safety in same game they lost to arch-rival on national holiday in season after going winless…Next Loss: at Cincinnati
5. Frank Caliendo - Comedian now performing at Monte Carlo in Las Vegas does pretty good show, but with Daily Dose feature on hiatus, Frank relegated to being plugged in two-bit, irregularly appearing ranking of lousy pro football teams…Fave segments came when he appeared to genuinely forget his material and a pretty good Casey Kasem impression.
6. NFC West (17-27) - Current holders of Pete Rozelle Pin, issued to NFL's worst division…Having St. Louis anchoring bottom of division helps, of course, but three-fourths of division is below .500 and leader Arizona has fewest wins of any division leader…Next Loss: NFL recently announced NFC West suspended from NFL Playoffs, will earn automatic berth in crackwhore.com Bowl.
7. Kansas City Chiefs (3-8; lost to San Diego 43-14) - Despite having won two of last three, Chiefs win tiebreaker of Oakland Raiders based on having longest streak so far in 2009, five games…Next Loss: Denver.
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5; lost to Baltimore 20-17, OT) - Don't look now, but defending Super Bowl champions have second-longest losing streak in NFL - three games!!!...Four losses have come to teams with losing records...Next Loss: Oakland
9. Chicago Bears (4-7; lost to Brett Favre 36-10) - Bears completely recovered from 3-1 start having lost four (4) straight and six of seven…During four-game skid, Bears have been outscored by at least 20 points twice, scored six (6) points once, and gave up game-winning touchdown on drive that followed blocked field goal…Next Loss: St. Louis
10. Saskatchewan Roughriders (10-7-1; lost to Montreal 28-27) - Potential 51st US state still reeling after beloved football team blows 93rd Grey Cup on last play to evil Alouettes...Not satisfied with being allowed to play with 12 men, Roughriders try to sneak extra, lucky 13th player into game as Aloutettes blow game winning field goal...Unfortunately, even CFL officials can count to 13, and Montreal Allouettes take advantage of penalty to kick winning field goal...Next Loss: Royal Canadian Mountie Geography Merit Badge as British Columbia Lions obliged to play Eastern Conference playoffs.
This Week's Clash of the Titans: St. Louis at Chicago
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Tampa Bay at Carolina
THE NFL Needed Its Own Network For This? New York Jets at Buffalo (Dec 3)
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