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The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 13
By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack
With Western Kentucky, holders of the Nation's Longest Losing Streak (NLLS) at 18 games resting for their make-or-break final two games of 2009, Eastern Michigan moves into the top spot in the Bottom Ten for the first time ever. Combined with New Mexico winning, the B-10 medal stand has been thrown into complete disarray for this week, with Washington State and NCAA Football Playoffs moving into the two and three spots.
Despite the fact the top two spots are there for the taking by Western Kentucky and Eastern Michigan, veteran B-10 watchers know there is still a long way to go and nobody should go counting their medals stands before they lose out.
This week's fiasco:
1. Eastern Michigan (0-11; lost to Toledo 47-21)
Mitigating Factors: With Western Kentucky enjoy bye week, Eagles or Bulldogs or whatever the hell they're called claim top spot by becoming first team to go 0-11 in 2009…As usual in football, running game key to success as EMU ranks Dead Last in Rushing Yards, giving up 284.45 ypg…Eleven game skid second best in NCAA.
We Lose Our Games The Old Fashioned Way, We Give Them Away: Eagles/Bulldogs turn the ball over four times against Rockets, leading to 21 (21) Toledo points.
Next Loss: at Akron
2. Washington State (1-10; lost to Oregon State 42-10)
Mitigating Factors: Steady as she goes Cougars show nothing new in this one, using standard slow start, complete lack of rushing game to cruise to eighth straight loss…Cougars rank Dead Last in Total Defense (516.64 ypg) and Next To Dead Last in Total Offense and Scoring Offense, while leading nation in Punts Attempted (80)…Cougar defense in midst of fine B-10 stretch run, impressing B-10 pollsters by giving up 40 or more points five straight games.
Light At The End Of Tunnel: Cougars can still become bowl eligible with victory over Washington, fiery crash of several dozen team buses, airplanes.
Next Loss: at Washington
3. NCAA Football Playoffs
Mitigating Factors: While country eagerly awaits 6-6 teams playing in bowl games named after muffler shops, aftershave - and held in places like Boise, Idaho and Amundsen-Scott Station - lower NCAA divisions insist on holding playoffs where championship games are played by teams not chosen by computer, but who have advanced through dull, cumbersome tournaments.
FunFact: Despite the fact athletes have things like class and crap like that, the NCAA insists on holding a 16-team I-AA playoff, a 24-team D-II playoff and a 32-team marathon in D-III.
4. MAC Rearguard: Miami, Ohio, Ball State (2-21; Miami: lost to Buffalo 42-17; Ball State: lost to C. Michigan 35-3)
Mitigating Factors: Fan(s) of both teams kicking themselves as late October wins only thing standing between Redhawks, Cardinals, and unvictoried seasons and B-10 glory...Redhawks get legacy points for losing to former B-10 perennials Buffalo and Temple, and B-10 Hall of Famers Northwestern, but with Rice winning two straight, B-10 medal stand was there for the taking.
Historical Context: Warhawks have lost 23 of 26, Cardinals twelve of 13.
Next Loss: Miami: Season over; Ball St: at W. Michigan (11/24)
5. North Texas (2-9; lost to Army 17-13)
Mitigating Factors: Not So Mean Green holds on to slim medal stand hopes by dropping must-lose game to Black Knights of Confusion…With defense inexplicably allowing second-lowest point total of season, UNT offense clutch, chipping in with three interceptions and two fumbles…Special teams also key, as missed field quarter in fourth quarter leads to game-winning touchdown.
Ten-Hut! Cadet win credited to new Federal law requiring opponents to fill out requisition form in triplicate, get Colonel's permission, prior to completing passes.
Next Loss: at Arkansas State
6. Vanderbilt (2-10; lost to Tennessee 31-16)
Mitigating Factors: Commodores wrap up fifth two-win campaign this century with impressive eight-game losing streak…Five years after disbanding Athletic Department, Student Affairs Department pointing towards successes like entire secondary being awarded Rhodes Scholarships and the drum line averaging six feet, 250 pounds…Student Affairs Department also looking to merge glee club, punt team for 2010.
Our Work Is Done: After winning 12 games the past two seasons, Commodores have lost eight straight for second time this century, their longest losing streak since losing eleven straight in 1997-98.
Next Loss: Season over
7. New Mexico (1-11; defeated Colorado State 29-27)
Mitigating Factors: Demoralizing win all but shatters Lobos dream of B-10 title, though 10-game losing streak to start season makes Lobos front runners for Tostitos Plaque, issued to team with the longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win.
Bottom Line: 1-11 record ensures B-10 medal stand hopes still alive, although B-10 pollsters are notorious for penalizing teams with late-season wins.
Next Loss: Season over.
8. College of Cardinals: Notre Dame, Anna Maria College (6-14; ND: lost to UConn 33-30, 2OT; AM: DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Irish, still looking for elusive first B-10 title, have excellent opportunity to lay groundwork for post-Charlie Weiss era with big, season ending loss to Stanford…Despite calling back two fourth quarter UConn touchdowns because of penalties, officiating crew fed to lions after game for not doing more to ensure Irish win.
Strong Finishing Kick: Not expecting novelty entry to show any staying power - and citing concerns about pissing off Holy Trinity - pollsters having hard time coming up with wisecracks about 0-9 Anna Maria Wildcat team that recently completed its first (winless) D-III season.
Next Loss: ND: at Stanford; AM: Season over
9. Kansas (5-6; lost to Texas 51-20)
Mitigating Factors: Jayhawks expected to win Iron Chef Award Sponsored by The Food Network and send coach Mark 'Tons of Fun' Mangino to World's Fattest Coach regionals against Charlie Weiss.
Strong Finishing Kick II: Moved by Mangino's inspirational lectures, Jayhawks have lost six straight after starting 2009 5-0.
Next Loss: Missouri
10. Michigan (5-7; lost to Ohio State 21-10)
Mitigating Factors: College football's winningest team follows-up first nine loss season ever with just the fourth seven-loss season in school history…Michigan forced to endure consecutive losing seasons for just third time ever, and first time since 1962-63…Looking to regain lost luster, Wolverines looking to emulate 1898's 10-0 team by scheduling Kenyon, Western Reserve, University of Chicago, Notre Dame in 2010.
What Might Have Been: Wolverines another team wondering 'what if', ending season with strong five game losing streak and losing seven of last eight after starting season 4-0.
Next Loss: Season over
This Week's Clash of the Titans: Western Kentucky at Florida Atlantic
Lousy Rivalry Game of the Week:Washington State at Washington
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