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The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 18
By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack
Detroit is all in in their quest for the Dan Henning Trophy and Bottom Ten immortality.
The Lions became the first team to go 0-15 in the NFL with Sunday's sleepwalk against the Saints, and can become the eighth NFL to post a winless season, the first since in a non-strike season since Tampa Bay went 0-14 in 1976, and the first ever to go 0-16 with a loss Sunday.
For their part, the Lions appear to enjoy their role knocking on History's door:
"It's very real," center Dominic Raiola said. "It's right there in front of us!"
And so is the race for the Bottom Ten wire! The penultimate poll, as the nags limp past the sixteenth pole:
1. Detroit (0-15; lost to New Orleans 42-7)
Mitigating Factors: Lions get march to history off to strong start by becoming first NFL team to go 0-15…Lions hoping federal bailout of Detroit's auto industry includes provisions for new offensive line, secondary and coaching staff…Lions don't even bother in this one, either, allowing Saints to go 11 for their first 11 on third down conversions and giving up 32 first downs…Only bright spot is Lions hold Saints vaunted kicking game puntless.
Momentum Shift: Game tying touchdown on initial drive called back because lineman wasn't lined up on line of scrimmage.
Next Loss: at Green Bay
2. St. Louis (2-13; lost to San Francisco 17-16)
Mitigating Factors: Rams hanging tough, hoping for B-10 miracle, with ninth straight loss…Rams, looking to impress B-10 pollsters, blow 10-point halftime lead for second straight week…Pollsters also impressed with Rams ability to lose despite giving up only 15 first downs, 83 yards rushing and keeping the ball for over 38 minutes.
Clutch Time: Rams show they're fourth quarter team, allowing two SF touchdowns in last 4:03, while offense musters two punts and an interception in final quarter.
Next Loss: at Atlanta
3. Kansas City (2-13; lost to Miami 38-31)
Mitigating Factors: Chiefs, trailing 10-0 before anyone needed a hand warmer, unable to put game away early, rallying to lead 21-17 and 28-24 before blowing game by getting outscored 14-3 in second half…Chiefs show medal stand mettle by losing close ones, having lost eight games by seven points or less.
Historical Context: Chiefs have lost 22 of last 24.
Next Loss: at Cincinnati
4. Cleveland (4-11; lost to Cincinnati 14-0)
Mitigating Factors: Offense key in Browns' second half B-10 medal stand charge, averaging 6.2 points per game in current five-game losing skid…Offense hasn't scored a touchdown since Nov. 17.
We Live For This: Fans treated to thrilling second half where Bengals punt on first five possessions while Browns chip in with two punts, three interceptions.
Next Loss: at Pittsburgh
5. Cincinnati (3-11-1; defeated Cleveland 14-0)
Mitigating Factors: Bengals shoot medal stand chances in foot with second straight win, but since win was only against Browns, Bengals get sufficient strength of schedule points to remain on Top V leaderboard.
Bad, But Not Bad Enough: Bengals win despite parlaying four Brown interceptions into one fumble, three punts, zero points.
Next Loss: Kansas City
Caught In The Lint Trap:
6. AFC West (19-39) - Marv Levy Broach laureates - symbolic of AFC's worst division - for third or fourth straight week as it is entirely possible champion will have 8-8 record.
7. Jacksonville (5-10) - Late B-10 bloomers have lost five of six and seven of last nine!
8. Auto Bailout - Hey guys, when are you going to bail out the Bottom Ten!!!...Do you have any idea the overhead we have here???...Keeping five drunk pollsters in scotch for an entire year ain't cheap!
9. NFC North (22-36) - Winless Lions finally bad enough to drag entire division down, wresting Ray Malavasi Pin - issued to NFC's worst division - from NFC West!
10. Oakland (4-11) - Raiders Top V leader board chances gone, but two game stretch where they lost at home to Atlanta and Carolina might be worst two-game stretch in NFL history!
History's Game: Detroit at Green Bay - Lions haven't won at Green Bay since 1991!
This Week's Clash of the Titans: Kansas City at Cincinnati
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: St. Louis at Atlanta
Bottom Ten Alumni Association: Defending Dan Henning Trophy winners Miami has ten wins and clinch AFC East title with win Sunday at NY Jets.
Hey, What Do You Guys Have Against Don Criqui? Nothing at all, actually. We have always enjoyed Don's work, and he is deserving of his place in the announcer's wing of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. He's never seemed to be more than a second-tier announcer at whatever network he happed to be at, though, and we've never understood why, sort of like another fave of ours, Tim Ryan.
Our Cup Runneth Over: B-10 pollsters, already giddy over being in the Double Aughts and able to use "first winning season since late 20th century" or "first two game win streak this century" put-down lines at need, are already looking forward to the 2009 Bottom Ten season when, with a new Administration in office, they will be able to trot out inspiring "first win since second Bush Administration" lines, although since there have been two President Bush's - related, no less - there is bound to be some early confusion to work through!
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