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The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 15
By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack
It's not easy to make a mockery of the Bottom Ten's NFL race, but the Detroit Lions and Cincinnati Bengals are doing just that, running away with the top two spots in the race for the Dan Henning Trophy, which isn't easy to do in a season where Oakland, Kansas City and half of the NFC West are stinking up the joint.
The big news, though, can be found in the race for the Pete Rozelle Cup, issued weekly, and annually, to the NFL's worst division. The NFC North and West and the AFC West are so bad, that pollsters have taken to issuing the Ray Malavasi Pin and the Marv Levy Broach, now issued to the worst division in the NFC and AFC, respectively.
This week's fiasco, as the nags are at the top of the stretch:
1. Detroit (0-12; lost to Tennessee 47-10)
Mitigating Factors: Lions to 0-12 for second time this century with worse Thanksgiving loss in team history…Lions get off to great start, taking opening kickoff and letting Titans score four plays later, after fumbling ball away on second play…Usually even the worst teams can muster more rushing yards than penalty yards this late in the season, but Lions have 38 penalty yards and just 23 rushing yards, for a 1.652-to-1 Penalty Yards To Rushing Yards ratio.
Game Inside The Game: Lions defense so good they tire Titans running backs out so Titans can only kick field goals in second half.
Next Loss: Minnesota
2. Cincinnati (1-10-1; lost to Baltimore 34-3)
Mitigating Factors: Bengals frustrated to have B-10 championship-caliber year overshadowed by Detroit juggernaut, but are standing by should Lions falter with an inspired six first down, eleven punt tour de force…Except for ending the first half with the ball, Bengals do not do anything on offense other than punt until fourth quarter interception is run back for a touchdown.
All Is Lost: Bengals offense ranks Dead Last in NFL averaging 12.6 points per game and 232.4 yards per game, Next To Dead Last with 78.1 yards per game and Next To Next To Dead Last with 154.3 passing yards per game.
Next Loss: at Indianapolis
3. St. Seattle SeaRams (4-16; St. Louis lost to Miami 16-12; Seattle lost at Dallas 34-9)
Mitigating Factors: Seahawks and Rams entry combined thanks to obscure B-10 bylaw requiring teams with two wins from same division this late in season to form one entry to avoid complete one-division occupation of poll…NFC West stalwarts have six and five game losing streaks, best in NFL west of, well, pretty much everything west of the Eastern time zone.
Mr. Criqui, Your Agent On Line Two: Entire world marking calendar when these two teams on Dec. 14.
Next Losses: St. Louis: at Arizona; Seattle: New England
4. Oakland (3-9; lost to Kansas City 20-13)
Mitigating Factors: Game turns when Raiders try a fake field goal, only to botch it and put the ball on the ground…Chiefs recover ball and return it for touchdown, though - what with Chiefs being the Chiefs and all - KC fans don't exhale until defender actually crosses goal line with the ball.
Instant Classic: Raiders and Chiefs show passing game mastery combining for 25 completions and almost 300 yards.
Next Loss: at San Diego (Thu. 12/4)
5. NFL
Mitigating Factors: Over one-third of league has four or fewer wins, including five (5) with two, one or zero wins…Three Thanksgiving Day borefests better holiday massacre than the Mob ever came up with…League so bad half of the first place teams have at least four (4) losses.
Here's An Idea: Maybe NFL can liven things up by having computer pick Super Bowl participants.
Caught In The Lint Trap:
6. NFC West (15-33) - First recipient of Ray Malavasi Pin, symbolic of NFC's worst division, not only has NFL's worst divisional mark, but also safe house for 40 percent of NFL teams who have won two or fewer games!
7. Monday Night Football Loser (4-8) - Pollsters not inclined to wait up to watch finish of once-proud institution featuring two 4-7 teams!
8. AFC West (16-32) - Inaugural Marv Levy Broach laureates have one team with winning record, three teams with at least eight losses!
9. Home Field Advantage (4-11) - Home teams win just four games this past Thursday and Sunday, the worst mark for a home team since, well, we're sure it's a long time! We're not that good at research, for goodness sakes, and our interns seem to be striking for wages, benefits.
10. Kansas City (2-10) - See Oakland entry above…Chiefs drop after beating Raiders, but expected to rebound for B-10 medal stand run!
This Week's Clash of the Titans: Jacksonville at Chicago
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Whoever Detroit's playing. It doesn't matter who.
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