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The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 13
By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack
So much NFL lousiness, but only one Dan Henning Trophy. That's the conundrum Bottom Ten pollsters face every year, but this year their flasks runneth over!
Detroit might never win again. Oakland loses a game where every Miami player appeared to have bet on the Raiders. St. Louis has gotten their two wins out of their system and is gearing for the stretch run with a tidy four game losing streak, and everyone is wondering how Kansas City managed to win a game.
This week's catastrophe, as the nags are at the top of the far turn:
1. Detroit (0-10; lost at Carolina 31-22)
Mitigating Factors: Lions doing all the right things in quest for winless 2008, as offense blows early, 10-0 lead as Panthers convert a fumble recovery and interception into 14 points…Lions 'defense' allows two Panther running backs to rush for over 100 yards each…Since starting 2007 6-2, Detroit has lost 17 of 18.
First Blood: Lions score first for first time this season, and set seasonal mark by holding Carolina scoreless until 8:19 mark of second quarter.
Next Loss: Tampa Bay
2. Oakland (2-8; lost at Miami 17-15)
Mitigating Factors: Chiefs get two in the third to make it 7-5, but bullpen can't hold lead, despite outscoring Dolphins 10-3 in final frame…Hell's Angels called in for last rites on Raider offense, which musters just two field goals, as defense chips in safety and special teams a punt return for touchdown.
Fast Out Of The Blocks: Raiders first four drives account for one total yard of offense, four punts.
Next Loss: at Denver
3. Kansas City (1-9; lost to New Orleans 30-20)
Mitigating Factors: With Bengals avoiding defeat again following bye week and first win of season, Chiefs forge ahead of Bengals based on clutch home loss where they had to settle for field goals on drives where they were first and goal from the one and first and goal and first and goal from the eight…Chiefs rounding into homestretch shape, having lost six straight.
Stop The Presses: Chiefs also break Saints four game road losing streak.
Next Loss: Buffalo
4. St. Louis (2-8; lost at San Francisco 35-18)
Mitigating Factors: Rams making big B-10 medal stand statement with fourth straight loss following curious two-game win streak…Last four losses have been by an average of 17.7 points….Rams show cursory, early interest trailing 7-3 early in second quarter before giving up 28 straight points, spurred on by two interceptions and a fumble, all leading to 49er touchdowns.
Where's Our Goddamn Intern? Rams set some sort of mark with second four-game losing streak of the season.
Next Loss: Chicago
5. Cincinnati (1-8-1; tied Philadelphia 13-13, OT)
Mitigating Factors: Bengals completely short-circuit B-10 computers by playing a game but neither winning nor losing, forcing B-10 pollsters to get out slide rules…Fortunately, they don't know how to use those either, and the Bengals stay in Top 5…Even with extra period, Bengals still only get 56 yards rushing and are able to turn four Eagle turnovers into just ten points.
Question For The Ages: If a tie in general is like kissing your sister, what is a tie involving the Bengals like?
Next Loss: at Pittsburgh (11/20)
Caught In The Lint Trap:
6. NFC North - Three 5-5 teams, plus the Lions, might be enough to insure this train wreck of a division hold on to Pete Rozelle Cup - symbolic of the NFL's worst division - for a while.
7. NFL Overtime - Good grief, high school games don't even end in overtime anymore! NFL given credit for not slumming for field goal kicks to settle tie scores, but fans, and players, deserve a winner.
8. Seattle (2-8) - Seahawks almost as bad as Rams, losing third straight Sunday, their second three-game losing streak this season!
9. NFL Officiating - Who the hell was in the replay booth in Pittsburgh, Stevie Wonder? Ref's must not have taken the spread because there was no reason to call back Pittsburgh's final touchdown!
10. NFL - Between Bengals/Eagles debacle, the Raiders/Dolphins mess and Detroit's weekly cesspool, the NFL foisted some lousy football this weekend.
This Week's Clash of the Titans: Green Bay at New Orleans
This Is Don Criqui Reporting:Houston at Cleveland; entire NFC North schedule.
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