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The Bottom Ten/The Interregnum Poll - NFL Week 2
By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack
With the misfits here unable to keep track of having separate polls in different weeks, and since the NFL begins a week later than the college, the Week 2 NFL Bottom Ten has turned the American Classic known as the Interregnum Poll.
With the race for the Dan Henning Trophy - symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy - taking the week off, the highlight of the Interregnum Poll is, of course, the awarding of the Jim Hanifan Medallion - symbolic of NFL preseason ineptitude.
The Week 2 poll, as the nags are loaded into the starting gate:
1. New England (0-4; lost to NY Giants 19-14)
Mitigating Factors: Patriots awarded Jim Hanifan Medallion, symbolic of NFL preseason lousiness…Browns fans up in arms because Cleveland also sucks at 0-4, but Patriots awarded Medallion on tie-breaker based on obscure, seldom used Longest Winning Streak In Previous Regular Season criteria.
Patriot Games: First three 2008 opponents - Kansas City, NY Jets, Miami - combined for nine wins in 2007.
Opening Loss: Kansas City
2. Cleveland (0-4; lost to Chicago 16-10)
Mitigating Factors: Browns fans calling for investigation into Browns losing Jim Hanifan Medallion to New England, gearing up for strong B-10 run…Opening up against Dallas and Pittsburgh should ensure strong 0-2 start heading into divisional play in week three.
We'd Like To Thank The Members Of The Academy: Browns forced to settle for Conrad Dobler Jock Strap, issued annually to 0-4 teams that do not win the Jim Hanifan Medallion
Opening Loss: Dallas
3. Chicago Cubs
Mitigating Factors: Celebrating the 100th anniversary of their last World Series title…We certainly don't want to jinx the 2008 edition of the Chicago Cubs, but they do have the best record in the National League as we write this, and are five games up on the goddamn Milwaukee Brewers in the Central Division.
Dry, Technical Matter: The last World Series game hosted at Wrigley Field - or played in by the Cubs, for that matter - was on Oct. 10, 1945 when they lost Detroit 9-3 in game 7.
Next Loss: 21st century
4. Interregnum
Mitigating Factors: Seldom used, annoying word trotted out every year for treasured, iconic, half-baked Internet column…Usage traced back to 16th century, generally only used in America by political columnists looking to show how smart they are to describe the time between a president's election and inauguration.
Similar, But Different: Annual usage similar to 'fortnight', an Olde English word meaning 'fourteen nights' which is now only used during Wimbledon telecasts.
5. Indianapolis (1-4; lost to Cincinnati 27-7)
Mitigating Factors: Only other NFL team with four preseason losses loses out on Jim Hanifan Medallion due having played five exhibition games and winning one of them...Colts forced to settle for Ted Marchibroda Desk Lamp, given to NFL teams that go 1-4 in preseason and do not win the Jim Hanifan Medallion.
Well, At Least He's Rested: QB Peyton Manning scheduled to start against Bears, despite not having played this preseason following knee surgery in July.
Opening Loss: Chicago
Caught In The Lint Trap:
6. Week 1 NCAA Schedule - 30 of this past weekend's 72 games played by FBS teams were played against FCS teams, with only two games involving two ranked teams…Fans can look forward to 22 more of these thrillers this week.
7. FBS/FCS - Dreary, tedious classification system actually means Football Bowl Subdivision and Football Championship Subdivision, replacing old, sensible I-A, I-AA designations.
8. Vice-Presidential Picks - No great surprises…Obama had little choice but to pick a white male or else he would lose, and, if the Republicans produced two white males, they would lose, too…Sarah Palin's 17-year-old daughter being pregnant - hopefully with Joe Biden's love child - is an interesting twist, but we're not sure Family Values is an issue this year.
9. NFL Preseason Parity: 22 of 32 NFL teams finished 2-2 or better in preseason, including 14 at 2-2.
10. 2008 Beijing Olympics - A few dozen Students for Tibet supporters are deported, and there are a few dissident arrests, but otherwise Communists get away with relatively protest-free games…For the good of mankind, Birds Nest Stadium should be blown into oblivion, but otherwise athletic side of games filled with usual thrilling, hearbreaking moments mankind seems to enjoy every four years.
Programming Note: TheWriter's Shack staff is taking a couple of days off. We will return with more notes from the Human Expereince in Thursday's Daily Dose!
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