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The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 16 - The Bottom Ten's Greatest Hits!
By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack
With all eyes on next week's Bottom Ten finale - #1 Washington at California - and with this week's rankings meaningless until UW finishes their season, the Bottom Ten is proud to re-hash our winningest entries from this past season! So enjoy, the very worst from this year's Bottom Ten!
But not only is the Wal-Mart Trophy Presented by Motel 6 up for grabs this Saturday, the traditional Botto Ten ancillary awards will be decided as well, like the Tostitos Plaque, issued to the team with the longest losing streak that actually includes a win and the Army/Navy game, as usual, will decide who wins the Sgt. Bilko Trophy, symbolic of service academy lousiness.
This week's mess:
Week 1:
7. Department of Homeland Security (Army, 3-9; VMI 2-9)
Mitigating Factors: Defending Sgt. Bilko Trophy winners - symbolic of service academy lousiness - the Black Knights of Confusion have lost six straight…Army defense expected to be hampered by new NATO regulations requiring hand salutes before tackling somebody, though Presidential directive allowing defense to use flame throwers should yield positive results…VMI so bad picture of cross-country coach is on sport department homepage…Keydets have lost at least six straight games in each of the past four seasons, including the historic 0-11, 2004 campaign.
Be All That You Can Be: 2007 wins came against four-win Tempe and Tulane, who played the 104th and 106th toughest schedules in country…Other win came against Rhode Island, who won four games against I-AA opponents.
Opening Losses: Army: vs. Temple (8/29); VMI: St. Francis (9/6)
Week 2:
10. North Texas (0-1; lost to Kansas State 45-6)
Mitigating Factors: Trailing 42-0, defending B-10 champions rebound for six (6) unanswered points, only to give up crucial field goal with five seconds left for heartbreaking loss…471 yards allowed only third worst amongst losing Sun Belt Conference teams.
Bracketology: With games against Tulsa, LSU and resurgent Rice coming up, Mean Green should be in prime, 0-4 shape for do-or-die Florida International rematch Oct. 4
Next Loss: Tulsa
Week 3:
9. Duke (1-1; lost to Northwestern 24-20)
Mitigating Factors: Blue Devils show compost that blossoms B-10 champions by getting twice as many first downs as Wildcats, out-gaining Northwestern by 140 yards and having the ball for two-thirds of the game and still losing thanks to clutch holding call which called back go-ahead touchdown…Punt return team contributes muffed punt which leads to touchdown.
Saving Face: Blue Devils still have nation's longest conference losing streak, having lost last 25 ACC games.
Next Loss: Navy
Week 4:
2. Michigan (1-2; lost to Notre Dame 35-17)
Mitigating Factors: Wolverines make catching the ball look like Special Olympics event as offense amasses 388 yards, six turnovers in losing to 2007 B-10 darling who barely beat San Diego State, who lost to Cal Poly…Wolverines are 1-2 in consecutive seasons for first time since 1963 (1-3-1) and 1962 (1-5)…Michigan ranks 101st in Total Offense (290.67 ypg) and 107th in Punt Returns (2.67 ypr).
Haven't We Used This Line Before? Six turnovers to Notre Dame qualify as religious contribution, exempting UM from annual NCAA-mandated charitable donations.
Next Loss: Wisconsin
Week 5:
8. Temple (1-3; lost to Penn St. 45-3)
Mitigating Factors: Former B-10 perennial trying to rebound from four (4) win season in 2007 and return to form that produced four (4) wins from 2003-06…Thinking game was being played under experimental, game-is-one-quarter-long rule, Owls scrap for 0-0 tie after one, get blown out 31-0 in second quarter…With 61 penalty yards and 16 rushing yards, Owls have NCAA-best 3.81-to-1 Penalty Yards to Rushing Yards ratio.
OTOH: Probably because they return so many of them, Owls lead nation in Kickoff Returns, averaging 34.53 yards per return.
Next Loss: Western Michigan
Week 6
9. Last Week's Bottom Ten
Mitigating Factors: QA department on hot seat following poll that only featured nine teams…External audit by Washington Mutual accounting department revealed there was no #5 team.
Doesn't Anybody Copy Edit This Stuff? After flogging, mandatory viewing of Notre Dame highlights, pollsters reaffirm commitment to upholding usual high standards of poll by ranking ten teams for rest of season.
Week 7:
5. St. Anselm (0-5; lost to American International 37-6)
Mitigating Factors: With no major college team anywhere near double-digits in losses, B-10 pollsters reduced to making fun of D-II program made up of hard-working Benedictine Catholics from New Hampshire who have trouble stopping the run…With 31 straight losses Hawks current holders of Continental Cup, given to team with longest collegiate losing streak in North America
Working The Phones: St. Anselm athletic director has call into Army athletic director looking for Tulane's athletic director's phone number.
Next Loss: at Merrimack (10/10)
Week 8:
2. Michigan (2-4; lost to Toledo 13-10)
Mitigating Factors: Total team effort for Wolverines, as offense throws in three (3) interceptions, including one returned for touchdown, defense gives up eight third down conversions and special teams misses game-tying field goal with four seconds left…Wolverines rank 109th in Total Offense (291.5 ypg), 102nd in Passing Offense (160.83 ypg) and 100th in Scoring Offense (18.03 ppg)
Bonus Points: Michigan surges to runner-up spot thanks to strength of schedule points, as Toledo lost to pre-season #1 Florida International earlier this year.
Next Loss: at Penn State
Week 9:
4. SMU (1-7; lost to Houston 44-38)
Mitigating Factors: Mustangs impressing B-10 pollsters by blowing lead for the fourth time this season…SMU showing type of resiliency that wins B-10 titles by leading 14-0, 21-7, 28-17 and 35-23 before getting outscored 21-3 in fourth quarter…Defense has allowed 209 first downs, most in the country.
Consolation Prize: With six straight losses, Mustangs in prime position for both B-10 medal stand and Tostitos Plaque, given to team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win.
Next Loss: at Navy
Week 10:
4. Michigan (2-6; lost to Michigan State 35-21)
Mitigating Factors: Wolverines show B-10 grit by overcoming 7-0, 14-7 and 21-14 deficits only to get outscored 14-0 in final quarter…Michigan musters just 84 yards rushing…Wolverines staring history in the face, one loss from tying team record for most losses in a season, done by 1962, 1936 and magical 1934 teams.
Look Out Below! Wolverines have lost four straight for first time since losing five straight in 1967, and four straight at the Poor House since 1966-67.
Next Loss: at Purdue
Week 11
9. Iowa State (2-7; lost at Oklahoma State 59-17)
Mitigating Factors: Cyclones downgraded to Light Drizzles following seventh straight loss, tied for second-best in nation…Cyclone defense charges into Hot 100, jumping from 98th in Total Defense to 109th after allowing a whopping 682 yards to Cowboys.
Hey, What About Us? With both wins coming in season's first two games, Light Drizzles leading candidates for Tostitos Plaque, issued annually to team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win.
Next Loss: at Colorado
Week 12
9. Army (3-7; Lost at Rice 38-31)
Mitigating Factors: Black Knights of Confusion struggling to regain footing following inspiring 0-4 start, have lost two straight after blowing medal stand chances by winning three of four in October…Needs season ending loss to Navy to claim Sgt. Bilko Trophy, symbolic of service academy lousiness, even though Notre Dame won it last year.
Tostitos Plaque Outlook: Is not in the running for the Tostitos Plaque, though B-10 Ways and Means Committee considering special memento should Army lose last two games and finish with season-starting and season-ending four game losing streaks.
Next Loss: at Rutgers (11/22)
Week 13
1. Washington (0-10; lost to UCLA 27-7)
Mitigating Factors: Huskies reach new lows, even for them, by failing to break 100-yard mark in either rushing (96) or passing (39) …Huskies muster 55 penalty yards, for 1.41-to-1 Penalty Yards to Passing Yards ratio…Consistent Huskies rank 110th or worse in Total Defense and Total Offense, Scoring Defense and Scoring Offense and Rushing Defense and Rushing Offense.
Hey, What Next? Huskies wondering to do next, because they've already fired their coach, though he refuses to leave and is still on the sidelines.
Next Loss:at Washington State
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