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The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 9
By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack
Usually when faced with two 0-7 teams, Bottom Ten pollsters are usually looking at such B-10 stalwarts as Cincinnati and Arizona. Not this year, as Miami and St. Louis, franchises with eight Super Bowl appearances between them, are making the race for The Dan Henning Trophy a bigger mockery than usual, as if that's possible.
Heading into the backstretch, this week's mess:
1. Miami - (0-7; lost to New England 49-7)
Mitigating Factors: Trailing 42-7 at half, Dolphins make it close against second team pulling to within three touchdowns...Patriots reestablish dominance by turning on video cameras, putting first team back in...Gets nod over Rams based on nine-game losing streak dating back to last season.
At Least They Can Drink The Water: Team so bad they are getting kicked out of country for next game. Dolphins getting off easy, though, getting sent to England instead of Mexico.
Next Loss: vs. NY Giants, at London, England
2. St. Louis (0-7, lost to Seattle 33-6)
Mitigating Factors: Rams showing type of second half ineptitude that wins B-10 titles, using second half kickoff return for touchdown, five turnovers for entire game to overcome four-point halftime deficit...15 interceptions lead NFL...Team so bad RB Stephen Jackson, out past four weeks with a groin injury, decides to sit out a couple of more weeks instead of returning to action.
Get Out Your History Books: Rams 0-7 for first time ever, eclipsing 1962's 0-6 start.
Next Loss: Cleveland
3. Arizona (3-4; lost to Washington 21-19)
Mitigating Factors: Cardinals get touchdown, recover onsides kick in final 30 seconds...Unfortunately, missed conversion and field goal in final 30 seconds seals type of loss that sets tone for great second half B-10 run.
Whatever It Takes: Cardinals lose despite allowing just nine first downs, 73 yards rushing, 87 yards passing.
Next Loss: at Tampa Bay (11/4)
4. New York Jets (1-6; lost to Cincinnati 38-31)
Mitigating Factors: Coach Eric Mangini calling for top-to-bottom Jet evaluation after Bengal fiasco...First act: man-boob reduction surgery for coach Eric Mangini.
Sign Of The Times: After negotiations with Dr. Jack Kevorkian fall through, Jets sign 12-year deal with Atlantic Health for naming rights to new practice facility as Kevorkian inks deal to sponsor rest of 2007 season, team bathroom for team that made playoffs last year.
Next Loss: Buffalo
5. Atlanta Falcons (1-6; lost to New Orleans 22-16)
Mitigating Factors: Falcons to practice with local Pop Warner team for tackling drills as three Falcon defenders unable to stop Reggie Bush on two-yard line for go-ahead touchdown. .
Breakdown Segment: Falcons setting pace to win Visa Triple Crown Challenge as only team with two three-game losing streaks this season.
Next Loss: San Francisco (11/4)
Caught In The Lint Trap:
6. London, England - Forced to endure Los Angeles Kings, Miami Dolphins past two fortnights...Fortunately they weren't playing each other.
7. Terry Bradshaw - Generally likeable and less annoying than other FOX co-hosts, but does anyone narrate game highlights worse? Well, Chris Berman, of course, but that's about it.
8. AFC East Rearguard (3-17) - Bills, Jets and Dolphins combine for three wins, four fewer than first-place New England!
9. Minnesota (2-4) - Vikings have completed 15 passes the last two games!
10. 2007 World Series - October 23 latest start ever for year that didn't include World Trade Center, Pentagon attacks...Should wrap up by Thanksgiving.
This Week's Clash Of The Titans: Buffalo at NY Jets
Let's Screw CBS II: Cleveland at St. Louis
FOX Aint Getting Off Any Easier, Either: Philadelphia at Minnesota
Strategies Of The Great Coaches Series: Faced with needing a two-point conversion to tie with 30 seconds left against Washington, Arizona coach Ken Whisenhunt removes starting QB, splits the backup QB wide to the left, hikes the ball to a wide receiver who rolls right, almost runs out of bounds, before throwing to opposing safety.
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