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The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 5
By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack
Holy mediocrity, Batman! Three weeks in, and five teams are still winless, the defending NFC champions have benched their quarterback and 1-2 San Diego is discovering why you don't hire Norv Turner.
And to throw the race for the Dan Henning Trophy into complete chaos, Oakland actually won! The Raiders are getting credit for a full victory even though they only beat Cleveland, ending their eleven game losing streak.
Heading into the clubhouse turn, this week's mess:
1. Buffalo (0-3; lost to New England 38-7)
Mitigating Factors: As penalty for cheating against the Jets, Patriots forced to give Bills copies their coaches signals...Didn't work, as Bills could only muster 12 first downs and 183 total yards...Bills 'defense' ranks dead last in NFL in Pass Defense (281 ypg), Rushing Defense (177.3 ypg), Total Defense (458.3), Yards Per Play (6.6) and First Downs Per Game (24.7)
The Offense Isn't Any Good Either: Not counting the final drive of the first half which ended when the clock ran out, seven straight Buffalo drives, from early in the second quarter to early in the fourth, ended in a punt...Five of these drives lasted three plays.
Next Loss: New York Jets
2. Miami (0-3; lost to New York Jets 31-28)
Mitigating Factors: Dolphins get Jekyll and Hyde award for Week 3, accumulating 424 yards, 28 first downs and still losing to a Jets team that got its first lead of the season in the opening quarter...Dolphins get two fourth-quarter touchdowns to pull within three, but application for Heartbreaking Loss designation for game denied because they never led.
Moral Victory: Dolphins rank 14th in NFL in Total Offense, highest amongst the NFL's remaining winless teams.
Next Loss: Oakland
3. St. Louis (0-3; lost to Tampa Bay 24-3)
Mitigating Factors: Rams 0-3 despite ranking seventh in NFL in Total Defense (298.3 ypg)...Offense, however, ranks 29th in NFL in Scoring (10.7 ppg) and has yet to produce a rushing touchdown.
Ram Tough: Rams have drives of 64 and 71 yards produce missed field goal, interception, zero points.
Next Loss: at Dallas
4. Cleveland (1-2; lost to Oakland 26-24)
Mitigating Factors: This should have been a lot uglier, but they were playing the Raiders, as Browns allow scores on four straight possessions in first half but only one touchdown...Browns defense still non-existent, giving up 396 yards to Raider team that hadn't won since last October.
A Dry Spell: Browns have not won consecutive games since October, 2003.
Next Loss: Baltimore
5. New Orleans (0-3; lost to Tennessee 34-14)
Mitigating Factors: Pollsters pleased to welcome Saints back to B-10 after last years trip to NFC Championship Game...Offensive line out enjoying Mardi Gras festivities, not reading playbook, as Saints produced just 34 rushing yards and four interceptions.
How The Mighty Have Fallen: Saints - with only two losing seasons this century, looking for 0-3 start to march franchise to level that produced five winning seasons from 1967-99.
Next Loss: Carolina (10/7)
Caught In The Lint Trap:
6. Arizona (1-2) - Last second loss after overcoming 17-point deficit great way to rebound from Week 2 win,
7. Oakland (1-2) - Child coach Lane "Kiffy" Kiffin gets special bed-time treat for winning first game since coaching Pop Warner team to national title...Even with win, Raiders have lost 22 of 25.
8. Atlanta (0-3) - First 0-3 start since 1999 has fans barking for a win.
9. San Diego (1-2) - Norv Turner's career record was 58-82 when you hired him. You were expecting different?
10. Kansas City (1-2) - 50 yards rushing, one decent drive, doesn't fool pollsters in ugly win.
This Week's Clash of the Titans: Oakland at Miami
Let's Screw CBS II: NY Jets at Buffalo
Bend Over CBS, Here It Comes: Of the seven games on CBS this Sunday, only one (Denver at Indianapolis) features two teams with winning records.
Strategies of the Great Coaches Series: "The score doesn't indicate it, but we were right there." - Scott Linehan, coach of the 0-3 St. Louis Rams. Well, yeah, last place. You're right there, Scott!
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