The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 2 - The Interregnum Poll!
By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack

For decades the interregnum poll has been an opportunity to fill the week before the NFL season begins with humorous tidbits, biting social commentary and insightful analysis.

That was more work than the pollsters were willing to put into this week's survey. However, as usual for Interregnum Week, The Jim Hanifan Medallion, symbolic of preseason ineptitude, is issued as the race for The Dan Henning Trophy, the most recognized trophy in North American professional sports, takes a bye week.

This week's mess:

1. Monday Night Football Doubleheader
Mitigating Factors: Fans generally looking forward to Baltimore at Cincinnati opener, but even west coast fans wish Arizona/San Francisco game would have a 10:15 Pacific time start.
Never Again: The NFL banished this game to Mexico in 2005. As retribution, Mexico erecting fence along border, passing legislation to ensure Arizona Cardinals never enter country again.
Next Loss: Both 2007 Atlanta Falcon Monday night appearances.

2. Barry Bonds
Mitigating Factors: Breaks all-time major league home run record in August...Would not surprise anyone to find out he actually took the steroids he is suspected of taking...In his first 14 seasons, through 1999, Barry averaged 31.35 home runs a season...This century he's averaged 40.25...But as a professional athlete paid to enhance his performance, what did you expect him to take, Kool-Aid?...Outside of some pro wrestling deaths, short-term side effects aren't too noxious and long term effects are not known, so this generation of athletes will be good test case.
We Live For This!: Though fans pay lip service about how angry they are and the media whines about record book desecration, attendance is on pace to set a record for the fourth straight year and saturation coverage of Red Sox and Yankees continues.
Next Loss: The home runs are here to stay, and kids are missing out on the neato lessons baseball used to teach. Boring stuff like team work, how doing the little things right sets up later success and how a baseball season, like life, is kinda long and not to get too worked up over one bad day. Or century. Crap like that.

3. Interregnum
Mitigating Factors: Stuffy, seldom-used word is dusted off for annual B-10 appearance...Usually used in America only to describe period between a presidents election and his inauguration,
Advantage McEnroe: This is more or less reminiscent of - though not quite as interesting as - Americans use of 'fortnight', a unit of time equivalent to two weeks, which is used in the colonies only during Wimbledon, sorry, The Championships.
Next Loss: NFL to use furlong as official measuring unit for rushing and passing yards in 2007.

4. Arizona Cardinals (0-4 preseason)
Mitigating Factors: Cardinals and Chiefs both go 0-4, but Cardinals awarded Jim Hanifan Medallion, symbolic of preseason lousiness, based on better (or worse, depending on how you want to look at it) net points total, -37 to -35.
There's Nothing Wrong With Getting A Good Head Start: Though it's only preseason, Cardinal defense in mid-season form, giving up NFL-worst 114 points. Not in one game, but 28.5 ppg is the type of preseason foundation that wins Dan Henning Trophies.

5. Hamilton Tiger-Cats (1-8; lost to Toronto 32-14)
Mitigating Factors: Tabbies take Labour Day off, even though they had game scheduled against arch-rival Toronto...Ti-Cats find longer field too tiring and manage just three trips across midfield, all in the fourth quarter... Former Hawaii star Timmy Chang, the NCAA's all-time leading passer, throws for 44 yards in CFL debut, which is even worse considering unfavorable exchange rate.
Numbers Game: Ti-Cats have lost 35 out of 45.
Next Loss: at Toronto

Caught On The Radar Screen:
6. Chicago Cubs - Cubs valiantly trying to stage September collapse so as not to interfere with next year's 100th anniversary celebration of last World Series win!
7. National League Central - Cubs, Brewers and Cardinals all within two games of first and a combined seven games over .500.
8. Accordion Post-It Notes: An obvious plot to make me look silly, I am calling for summary executions of everyone involved in their appearing on my desk. Inventors, workers, everyone.
9. Michael Strahan - Actually, we're pretty envious of Strahan who pretended to be contemplating retirement when really he didn't want to go to training camp, making B-10 pollsters plan to boycott B-10 training camp next year.
10. Bottom Ten Trivia Question - Exactly why a baseball trivia question finds its way into a poll of lousy football teams isn't known! Yours is not to wonder why, however, merely to answer!

Trivia Question: When was the last time a player with a career home run total in the 300's appeared in the top ten of the all-time major league home run list at the end of a season?

What's In It For Me? The first correct answer gets the usual five thousand bonus points, plus wrestles control of the board away from D. Dockins of Ohio. Good luck. Email you answer here!


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