The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 1
By Gaylon Kent
The Writersshack

"On any given Sunday" has been a popular saying amongst the NFL and its fans for years. It gives fans of loser teams hope by letting them think that this week just might be the week they beat a good team.

Unless you like the Raiders. Or the Cardinals. Or the Lions. In fact, there is so much mediocrity in the NFL the race for The Dan Henning Trophy - symbolic of professional Bottom Ten supremacy - promises the most exciting race in years in a league where 20 percent of the teams won five or fewer games in 2006 and almost a third haven't won a playoff game this decade. 

The opening week mess:

1. Arizona (5-11)
Mitigating Factors: Cardinals have had one winning season since fleeing St. Louis after 1987 season, averaging 5.5 wins since moving...At 456-659-39, Cardinals would have to go undefeated through Week 11 of 2019 season to get back to historical .500...By contrast, the Bears (670-482-42) would have to lose every game through Week 12 of the 2018 season to reach historical .500
Well, At Least We're Not That Bad: Cardinals would have to lose every game for next 584 seasons to reach 10,000 losses like the Philadelphia Phillies.
Opening Loss: at San Francisco (9/10)

2. Hamilton Tiger-Cats (1-7; Lost to Montreal 27-9)
Mitigating Factors: It's not even Labour Day and already Tabbies have seven losses...A degree from Cal Tech is required to read League's stat matrix, but it appears Ti-Cats have worst punting average in CFL (40.7ypk) are second in the league in Penalty Yards (898) and have scored the fewest points (17.5 ppg)
This Can't Be Good: With 877 yards rushing and 898 penalty yards, Ti-Cats have NAFTA-worse 1.02 Penalty-Yards-To-Rushing-Yards Ratio.
Next Loss: Toronto (9/3)

3. Oakland (2-14)
Mitigating Factors: Since playing in Super Bowl XXXVII, team has won IV, V, IV and II games...Al Davis shows he has gone completely crackers by hiring the youngest coach in modern NFL history, 15-year-old Lane "Kiffy" Kiffin...Kiffy hired based on performance as offensive coordinator/water boy with South Bay Renegades of Long Beach Pop Warner.
The Defense Would Like To Rest, But They Can't: The Raider defense accounted for 25 percent of team's touchdowns in 2006.
Opening Loss: Detroit

4. Houston (6-10)
Mitigating Factors: With an offensive line that lets its QB get sacked roughly three-and-a-half times a game, Texans cut QB and draft defensive ends...Helmets still look like the head of some mad-cow diseased heifer.
Historical .500 Perspective: Texans all-time win percentage of .300 is worst in NFL history, but at 34-56 all-time, only need to go undefeated for next two seasons to get back to .500.   

5. The Bottom Ten
Mitigating Factors: Pollman loses interest in 2005 poll when holidays roll around, and completely blows off last year for reasons no one is still entirely sure of.
Commitment To Excellence: Pollman recently signed new contract with Writersshack, ensuring top-quality, weekly Bottom Ten fun in exchange for some Vegas buffet comps and a player to be named later.
Opening Loss: Annual, regurgitated "Rebounded for strong .500 conference mark" line in Sun Belt Conference entry in NCAA Week 1 poll.

Caught In The Lint Trap:
6. Detroit (3-13) - Matt Millen out to cement his legacy as worst executive in NFL history, with Lions averaging four (4) wins a season since 2001.
7. Tampa Bay (4-12) - Another Historical .500 powerhouse, thanks to inaugural 26-game losing streak, Bucs are 109 games under .500 in just 30 years!
8. Atlanta (7-9) - And in this corner - Spot! Of the Falcons top two quarterbacks last season, one his headed to prison and the other was shipped to the Houston Texans. Somebody's getting off easy.
9. Cleveland (4-12) - 0-3 start and 0-4 finish sandwiched 4-5 run...Browns need consistent, 16-game lousiness to compete for Dan Henning Trophy.
10. Soldier Field - Still the ugliest athletic facility on the planet.

Opening Week Clash of the Titans: Detroit at Oakland

Mexico Didn't Even Want To Host This One: Arizona at San Francisco - Exiled to a 10 p.m. Eastern start on Monday 9/10!

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