The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 2
By Gaylon Kent
The Writer's Shack

It happens every year: a nationally ranked team suffers a humiliating early season defeat and - in an effort to get a very cheap, annual laugh - is issued a rather high B-10 ranking.

But the carnage of this past weekend was more than even the eternal pessimists here at the Bottom Ten could have ever dreamed of as - and we are not making this up - the two winningest major-college teams entered the race for the Wal-Mart Trophy Presented by Motel 6.

Michigan, ranked fifth in the usually accurate AP poll, are beaten - at home - by Applebee, er, Applesauce, er, Appalachian State, 34-32. And if that weren't enough - and, honestly, it was - our dear friends at Notre Dame also lost at home, and they weren't even in a position to choke, mailing in a 33-3 thriller to Georgia Tech.

The only question was where to rank our loveable losers, because preseason #1 Duke was dutifully slaughtered in their opener by UConn. Do you stick with the preseason #1? Or do you slum for the cheap, easy laugh?

What do you think? This week's cesspool:

1. Michigan (0-1; lost to Appalachian St. 34-32)
Mitigating Factors: Wolverines become first team in B-10 history to go from AP Top 5 to top of B-10 by blowing snap on an extra point and having not one, but two field goals blocked in the fourth quarter...Wolverines have now lost nation's eighth-best three straight games, and haven't won since before Thanksgiving.
When's The Losing Going To Stop, Coach?: Wolverines are on their sixteenth three game losing streak since 1881.
Next Loss: Oregon

2. Duke (0-1; lost to UConn 45-14)
Mitigating Factors: Duke becomes first team in B-10 history to lose 21st game in a row and drop from top spot...Leading 14-11 at the half, Blue Devils outscored 34-0 in the type of second half that builds momentum for rest of season...Blue Devils actually get into end zone three times, unfortunately one of them was their own, as a fumble is recovered for the first safety of the year...Student Council so embarrassed they forbid team to play at home for one month.
The Statman Cometh: With 35 penalty yards and 15 rushing yards, Duke early season leader with 2.33 Penalty-Yards-To-Rushing-Yards-Ratio...Bleu Devils averaging 8.75 yards per penalty, 0.54 yards per carry.
Next Loss: at Virginia

3. Notre Dame (0-1; lost to Georgia Tech 33-3)
Mitigating Factors: Irish lose one for the Gipper with worst season-opening loss ever...Irish are 100th or worse in seven official NCAA stat categories including 113th in Rushing Offense (-8 ypg), 110th in Total Offense (122 ypg) and 113th in Sacks Allowed (9 pg)...With 25 penalty yards and minus eight rushing yards, Pollman not smart enough to figure out Penalty-Yards-To-Rushing-Yards Ratio, but he's pretty certain it's not very good.
Where The Hell's Navy When You Need Them: The Irish have now lost nation's eighth-best three straight games, haven't won since before Thanksgiving, and, are on their fifth three game losing streak this century.
Next Loss: at Penn State

4. Sun Belt Conference (0-6 non-conference)
Mitigating Factors: Conference had worse non-conference winning percentage against I-A teams than I-AA teams had against I-A teams last weekend (.000 - .095)...Teams outscored 268-80 in non-conference games...Conference 1-1 in conference play though, as Florida Atlantic defeats Middle Tennessee State.
Face The Nation: The official conference website has an Ask The Commissioner feature...Here's a question: What the hell's going on here?
Next Loss: Automatic bid to national Pop Warner playoffs.

5. Temple (0-1; lost to Navy 30-19)
Mitigating Factors: Owls gain moral victory by cutting 14-point deficit to four in second quarter, but penalties erase three first downs and defense allows 439 yards in fourth straight loss...Temple sports new helmets for 2007, replacing "T" (which stood for Terrible) with "Temple" spelled out in block letters to aid players in filling football pools...Crowd of 30,000 gives Owls first 1:1 Opponents-Points-For-Every-Thousand-Fans ratio.
Strength Of Schedule: With half of schedule combining for a 20-52 record in 2006, Owls will have to be truly bad to compete for B-10 title.
Next Loss: Buffalo

6. Buffalo (0-1; lost to Rutgers 38-3)
Mitigating Factors: Bulls down 21-0 before anyone needs a deodorant and muster only 74 first-half yards...Bulls have scored three or fewer points in a game 13 times in 00's...Punter Ben Woods, as usual, was Bulls best player, punting seven times for 308 yards... In the last three years, nobody in the NCAA has punted more than Woods (226) and he is just 22 yards away from topping the five mile mark in career punting yards.
When All The Punting Dies In Sorrow: Buffalo, while bad, does not appear to be bad enough to allow Woods to challenge for NCAA marks for Most Punts In A Career (322) or Season (101).
Next Loss: at Temple

7. Rice (0-1; lost to Nicholls St. 16-14)
Mitigating Factors: Owls show they're as good as Michigan by also losing to I-AA team...Nicholls St. looking for strong start by padding schedule with patsies like Rice, and D-II Southern Arkansas and D-III Azusa Pacific...Owls had classic Jekyll and Hyde 2006, limping to strong 0-4 start, but won seven of last eight in regular season to earn first bowl berth since 1961 Bluebonnet Bowl.
Gut Check: Rice's last three losses have been to I-AA team (Nicholls St.), the Sun Belt Conference champion (Troy) and school whose library is still in Lake Pontchartrain (Tulane).
Next Loss: at Baylor

8. Florida International (0-1; lost to Penn St. 59-0)
Mitigating Factors: Refusing to be discouraged by Duke's 21-game losing streak, Golden Panthers put paws to the grindstone and give up 549 total yards and are never in their 13-th straight loss...Panthers get only seven first downs, are 1-15 on third down and their leading rusher has eleven yards.
Positive Panther: -3 team rushing yards still better than Notre Dame.
Next Loss: Maryland - Terrapins lured by prospect of $64.33 cut of gate receipts!

9. Stanford (0-1, 0-1; lost to UCLA 45-17)
Mitigating Factors: Pollman responds to charges of East Coast bias by ranking Cardinal team that has lost 14 of 15, has tree as mascot...Offense anemic, scoring single-digit points six times in 2006, but defense takes center stage Saturday, allowing  624 total yards, including 338 on the ground
Home Sweet Home: Eight home games in 2007 allow Cardinal to go 0-13 in two seasons in new stadium.
Next Loss: San Jose St. (9/15)

10. Illinois (0-1; lost to Missouri 40-34)
Mitigating Factors: Illini put up 316 yards in the air and 119 on the ground, but manage to pull eighth straight loss out of a hat with five turnovers, including a fumble that's returned 100-yards for a touchdown and an interception at the one-yard line late in the game...Special teams blow, too, allowing a 66-yard punt return for a touchdown.
Geography Lesson: Wins against compass point or I-AA schools - or Indiana - have accounted for four of the eight Illini wins since 2003.
Next Loss: Western Illinois 

This Week's Clash of the Titans: Buffalo at Temple - Big early season showdown, with loser virtually guaranteed to jump into the Top Three. Buffalo's tradition of sleepwalking through the first half before kicking field goals in the second half could be key!

This One's Gonna Suck, Too, But At Least The Proceeds Go To The Jimmy Fund: (Jim) Rice at (Don) Baylor.

Mark Your Calendars: The 9/15 showdown between Notre Dame and Michigan - at the Poor House in Ann Arbor - could be for all the Big Ten marbles.
 
Trivia Answer: Mean Joe Green is the member of the Professional Football Hall of Fame who played at a Sun Belt Conference school, having played at North Texas, which was then known as North Texas State.

I'd Like Hack Internet Columns For $500, Alex : The Writer's Shack congratulates one D. Dockins of Ohio for having the first correct answer. In accordance with stated policy, Dockins receives 5,000 bonus points, plus control of the board. 

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